Infidelity Recovery Starts with Accountability: A Wayward Spouse's Journey

Never will I be glad about the terrible choices I alone made to engage in infidelity on many occasions. About the lying and betrayals I committed to my beloved.  

I’m forever grateful for the healing I’ve found personally. For the healing we have found. And for the trajectory our relationship is on. Many things are better than they’ve ever been. This likely wouldn’t be the case without everything we’ve gone through. 

Perhaps analogous to when a person’s spouse dies and remarries. They will never be happy or glad that their spouse died. And they can be happy and loving and grateful for their new partner, whom they wouldn’t have met or made a new life with had the other person not died. Duality exists in so many things in life. There are often multiple truths to a situation.

In order for healing to even be a possibility, the wayward spouse must come to a place of taking full accountability and responsibility for their choices of infidelity. Full ownership. Since being on our recovery journey, we’ve known several couples close to us that have been rocked by infidelity. In every case so far, the wayward spouse has blamed the betrayed or the relational issues for their choices to step out of their container. 

I empathize. I did the same thing. In my mind during that year and a half, I was blaming my partner. After initial disclosure when she drained the bank accounts and kicked me out of the house, I went scorched earth and blamed her to anyone that would listen to me. “If she hadn’t been so shitty to me for so long I wouldn’t have cheated.” What a delusional, self-deceived position to take. 

Sadly, some of the couples we know will not reconcile because there is no accountability on the part of the wayward. One particular spouse stayed with the affair partner, who is poisoning the well. Hard to take accountability when you’re being told you’re great and you are right.

I am grateful for my awakening. I’ve said it was like a literal liver punch. If you’ve ever been hit in the liver, you’ll know. Lights out, game over. Thank God, thank Goddess. Taking full ownership and accountability and responsibility for my choices and my behavior was the beginning of healing.

What does that mean?

Infidelity is a symptom of deeper issues within the wayward and within the relationship. Were there issues within the relationship?  There damn sure were in ours. Most of them were in response to my lack of good stewardship of my mental health, sure. And both of us did things that exacerbated the chasm and disconnection within our container. Stonewalling, criticism. Defensiveness was my go-to behavior. Blaming. Resentment. Feeling unheard. Disconnected. Lack of sex. Feeling unsafe. Feeling exiled. Betrayed. Mood swings. You name it. 

As humans we want to feel heard, understood and connected. Especially to our mates. My beloved had every reason and opportunity to find and leave me for a person that would give her a better life at that time than I was. And yet, she never wavered. Based on my reasoning and the fact that she wasn’t having most of her relational needs met, she certainly could have cast my crazy ass to the wolves and been worshiped and cherished by any number of well-resourced men of integrity for eternity. And she still never wavered. 

I alone made the choice to stray. Did I have my reasons? Yes, shitty reasons on the surface. Underlying reasons of emotional immaturity that made me think this was the best course of action. Hell, I’d even convinced myself that stepping out was for the good of the family. But none of it counts as an excuse. Infidelity is never okay. It’s just not. As a wayward spouse, you have to own your shit. 

You have to be brave and embrace the uncertainty

It takes a lot of courage to step up and admit that no matter how shitty things were in the relationship, you alone are responsible for your infidelity. 

Will relational dynamics need to be addressed at some point if the marriage will survive and hopefully thrive? Absolutely. And that is very possibly at least a year out. Things are not equal now. 

Right now, you have to start with accountability. Your partner needs to be seeing a betrayal trauma therapist. Someone that specializes in this. Not a regular therapist. They can fuck things up and traumatize your partner worse. 

And you need to be willing to do the work on yourself. You don’t get to set conditions on your spouse now. None of this, “well, if you go to rehab and anger management then I’ll do these things to help us heal.” Nope. You need to embrace your healing because you want to show up differently, to learn to show up as the best version of yourself. That will carry a lot of weight.

Betrayed partners are going to be ambivalent for a while. They’re not sure if they want to stay or go. They can’t give you a definite, “I’m all in.” I mean, what if they’d screwed someone else and you were in this position?  You have to be able to empathize. You changed the rules when you broke your vows.

It can be terrifying. I know personally. There was a long period where she was adamant that she’s watching and collecting data and we weren’t together.  If I’d said I’m not doing any work on myself if I might still lose my family, it was a definite that they were gone for good. If I became the best version of me, for me, I might get the shot to win back my family and offer them the best version of me. And if not, there is no wasted time because no matter what, you still become a better version of yourself.

You can’t bring up a lot of old shit right now. You have to pivot into compassion and empathy for her betrayal trauma.  Be accountable. Take responsibility. And do what you can to help her heal. She needs safety right now. Accountability, honesty, transparency and softness. 

Like a trauma wound in a car accident, it’s acute triage in the early phases of post-disclosure.  She has to be made comfortable first. Then the treatment can be implemented. Then healing can begin from the treatment. It’s a long process. Eventually it’ll be like a scar. It’ll always be there, and there will always be a reminder. But eventually it wont hurt. That’s way down the road.

Step up. Own your shit. You deserve to love yourself and heal yourself. By taking accountability and going deep internally, for you, you can begin to hopefully create a bit of safety for your mate. To healing.